(Read "Dancing on a highwire" first) And then I felt the tipping point.
I was going to fall.. The energy I was surfing on was going down. But I felt this huge determination to stay in the middle, on that thin middle line. "This is too important." "I'm not willing to loose myself and disappear in the shadow" "It is not too much" "I can do this" "I'm supported by the universe" I heard myself calming me down, relaxing my system. And still.. it was very clear that the fall would come. Like when you are riding a bike that is coming to a stop, it will eventually not stay upright. You can stay upright a long time if you are relaxed and centered even when the bike is not moving any more. On a bike it is easy. I just put my feet on the ground. So I tried. But damn.. that higwire was way up in the sky. Ok, then show me.. I'm not backing down from this middle point, I'm staying on this highwire. I'm keeping my backbone straight. I'm not willing let myself fall to either side. I thought that would get myself stuck. How stupid can I be??? I seem to forget over and over again: I can just see this tiny, tiny part of the whole picture. There are so many possibilities that are just behind locked doors in my mind. And so there it was.. As if I heard the universe sigh: finally..... So this small highwire line opened in the middel and and entrance arose, a circle, an opening, a big hole, just in the middle of that line. And I stepped in, without doubts And I fell... Down and down. Right into my middle.
Right into my core. Right into my own centre. Until my feet reached the earth again. Feeling powerful and centered. Neutral, relaxed. And then I lived happily ever after of course. :-) But this is real life... and I'm not at the end of it yet. So I still have these moments I feel that pull. The pull to stay in my bed with chocolate, coffee and a book to hide from the world. To not do anything that puts me in the spotlight. Anything that is hard, scary or difficult. Anything I could fail at. Anything I could mess up, things I could forget, things I could overlook. The risk to fall from high up in the sky and end up shredded in pieces on the earth . Ironic isn't it? How the fear from falling tries to prevent me from dancing high up in the air, creating a very realistic story where there is only one way out. A 'true' story that is build rock-solid on my experiences in the past Amazing how I have build such a maze with a never ending loop in my brain. And i'm astonished how much courage and determination it took to not be scared off and stay in that place of truth, to say to my loop-pattern:
"Something deep down in me knows I need to be on this highwire right now";
"You are wrong, I'm not going along";
"Back off, I'm staying";
"I won't let myself be scared away"; "Fuck off, go play somewhere else" "I'm staying here with my truth, yes even if it kills me" And then finally whoooshhh... A whole new reality arose. Or have I created just another maze? A bigger, more complicated one with more ways to go and get lost? Time will tell.... ;-) Love, Marielle