After posting my quote on integrity, I received a big challenge. An immense opportunity to practice my integrity muscle… And I took it. I want to share a bit about it with you, because I hope someone will be inspired by it or might get more clarity around the process of choosing. How does that actually work, choosing the path of the most integrity? For me it worked like this: My lover and I had a dilemma, conflicting needs & wants and we didn’t know how to continue. So first we talked about our experiences, feelings, needs, wants and everything that was arising in us in the most honest, straightforward way we could, so the situation became as clear as possible. Then I let the different options and ways forward pass before my eyes: The one that I wanted, the one that was most logical, the one we talked about and the one I didn’t even want to consider. And then, damn it, that last one had this shining glow around it. It was shining bright, where the other ones felt a bit clouded, dark and heavy. Really??? This is the best option? The option with the most integrity? The way to go? NO, please no, not this one, f*ck… It was the option I was not willing to consider until a minute ago. The one option that I knew was going to be extremely difficult, probably painful, tearing parts of myself into pieces, crying guaranteed…
Yet it was there in front of me, glowing, shining, leaving all the other options far behind in brightness. So that’s how I knew: This is the way to go.
I could have thought of a million reasons not to go there. This is where trust comes in. Trust that there is something bigger beyond me that has the interest of the bigger picture in mind and sees beyond what I can see, Trust that I can put my personal story aside, Trust that I’m strong and resilient and I can handle challenges that come my way, Trust that there is enough support for me if I choose this difficult, but oh so bright option, And thank god for experiences that have shown me exactly these things.
So, I trust and I jump, take this road… Again, into the unknown,
I jump consciously into…
The place where I will hurt, break open a bit more. The place where pain will purify me even more, The place where pain will offer unexpected gifts if I’m willing to see them. And yet to me it is the best option, as the light shines the brightest there. Will I be able to be thankful for the pain instead of fighting and cursing it? Can I be grateful for the beautiful opportunity to choose this luminous path? The chance to strengthen my integrity, my self respect, my maturity, my trust? The universe supporting my super accelerated growth by cracking me open until love just shreds all that is not serving anymore to pieces. And still this little fear is hovering inside of me: Will I rise again from my ashes? Wil I manage this time as well? Will I be able to stay awake and not get overwhelmed by pain or fear? Fuck yes, I will! I’ve had enough practice by now. I can take this lovingly. Gentle. This purifying love,
That is ripping me apart. Where will it take me? Where will more beauty grow in me? Where will I be wiser afterwards? Where will my light shine even brighter? Where will I be melted, more soft? Where will I be stronger, fierce? Let’s see… Welcome July, you had a rocking start.