I’m playing with fire.
And I know it.
I can feel the danger.
It scares part of me like crazy and another part of me loves this place and feels exhilarated on this high energy.
My body is more tensed and stiff then usual.
It starts to hurt here and there.
I consciously relax it again and again.
I feel my energy is vibrating fast, it’s a bit edgy and sharp, on alert.
My creative energy is going through the roof.
It feels very intense, sexy and orgasmic, like being on a sexual high.
Part of me feels the urge to find a release somewhere as it is almost too much to bear.
I’m almost exploding.
And yet I know it is not the time.
More wants to come. I need to find a way to channel it in the right direction, the direction of creation instead of destruction.
I can hear the voice of one of my therapist telling me to get the hell away from this place.
Get myself down to a safer place.
And I know that would be safer.
I know the risk of being in this huge burning fire of creation.
It can kill me, literally. I’ve been on that edge, many times before.
The crash after this high can crush me.
Can I deal with it this next time? Will I be able to rise from my ashes again?
And yet, I choose to go into that fire again.
Maybe I do it even more consciously than I did until now.
Fly high, create what wants to manifest through my connection to spirit and feel this aliveness.
I try to take care of myself as good as I can.
I feel my body resisting lower vibration foods at the moment.
The foods that usually ground me don’t feel good at the moment.
So my vibration even goes up more because of that.
And I’m feeling it. The tremble in my body. How much can I stretch?
How high can you fly in the direction of the sun without getting burned, I wonder.
One of my clients told me today: “When I first heard about you and the work you do, I thought you would be a vamp.”
That is so far away from the truth. And she knows it now that she has met me.
I’m just a girl. A very introvert girl even.
I’m trying to keep my balance in a bodily system that drives me to the edge of what I’m capable of. And I let it.
That can also at times be very boring to do.
Because I need a lot of downtime to stay healthy.
Which means sometimes going to bed at 9 pm for a few nights, not going out dancing or connecting to people, but staying in to keep and nourish my connection to myself and stay in alignment without going crazy.
So not so much that hot, sexy vamp.
And at the same time this burning, lifeforce is awake in every cell of my body, building to explode.
And yet, I’m also just a woman, taking small steps on that highwire driven by the force of creation, eyes on the horizon, looking to the future, very aware of the risk of the fall every step of the way, but I keep taking those steps as a part of me knows that is the only option that feels right at this time, in this body.
And I wonder: Can I do it this time?
It takes tapping into all of the courage I have inside of me and completely depending on my resilience when I fall to take this jump.
I have to completely trust myself to dare to dance on this highwire again, as it has cost me so much in the past.
It’s a leap of faith to spread my wings and fly high while knowing the fall is inevitable.
And yet, somehow, this is what I choose to do, living this circle of creation and destruction.