I think about quitting
When I was a primary school teacher I felt very frustrated with the school system, the way I was draining my own energy day after day, week after week, always feeling exhausted. I felt this was not what life was meant to be about. But I thought and was told I couldn't quit before I knew what else I wanted to do, because we needed the money. And I believed it. So I kept on, getting burned out, depressed, sick, recovered and started again.
Until I just couldn't do it anymore. The NO was too big to ignore any longer. And I quit. With no idea what to do next.
And then life unfolded. Step by step pieces of the puzzle started to fall into place. That sounds like a fairy tale right? It sounds like everything goes smoothly and easily. But no... even when life is unfolding it can be hard, challenging and rough.
It is still very hard at times. And sometimes I feel like quitting. But it is a different feeling. Because if I feel really deep into myself I don't want to quit. The task just feels overwhelming and too difficult.
Like Monday and yesterday. We planned 2 filming days for the online Pelvic Release training I'm creating. I'd had 2 bad nights of sleep with a restless daughter in the weekend. My period was late so I was already experiencing a week of emotional PMS waves. So when I was waking up Monday I felt like I just wanted to cry and hide under my blanket all day. But something deep inside of me refused to give up and cancel the day as it took too much preparation. I felt determined to shoot the films that day. So I shared with film maker how I felt, cried for a moment and gave myself a break by doing everything a bit slower. And then my period started and my brain became even more foggy. Not the best conditions to make video's and remember texts. Two things are already hard for me to do when I feel great. I managed one way or the other. I found a spot in myself where I could pull it off. Totally exhausted at the end of the day.
Then came Tuesday: I woke up with a huge headache. Light and sounds hurt. Again that question: How the hell should I pull this off today? And still I felt I needed to... wanted to. Something inside said: Go on, you can! So I took a painkiller (which I try not to do anymore) and 3 more during the day and I made it. I even enjoyed it at times (maybe that was because of the lingam view ;-) )
And then this morning: Shit.. my headache is still there, banging in my head. "You only have one session and an intake today, Marielle. You can pull this one off as well. Just one more day and then you have a day to rest before your big workshop on Friday.", I hear my mind saying to me. So I got up to start my morning routine.
Wait.. What?? What am I doing? Shit.. that was what I used to do. Burn myself out until my body or mind breaks.
So I asked myself again: What would be the most healthy choice for me today? What would make me most happy at the end of the day? (Because I could use the money after spending a lot on filming, investing in equipment and trainings that are coming up. My bank account could use some money coming in right now) A sigh came. I know it now. I cannot do this without end: Going on on will power and determination (which I have a lot).
So today I rest. I let my headache guide me into my bed and I turn inside. I listen to what wants to be heard. Have a beautiful day. <3