Do you know your attachment style?
I often hear people saying things like: I just need to be free, I don't want my partner to limit me in any way or my partner is not really there for me when I need it, I want to be taken care of.
I recognize these last ones when my anxious attachment style comes to the surface. When I fall into stress and panic, my old pattern just wants someone to take care of me, not needing to do everything by myself.
And I could choose to give beautiful, spiritual words to it to make them sound reasonable of course.
But I realize it is just the wound in me that wants to be nurtured as I have never been nurtured as a child when I needed it.
This anxious style I find very painful to experience.
The avoidant style I know as well.
That one is much easier to bypass and still look spiritual and good though.
As wanting Freedom sounds much more spiritual than Needing something or someone. I don't want to be limited in my expression sounds pretty fair in most ears, right?
It looks more adult on the first glance, but if I really feel into the layer underneath, I can feel the pain there as well: I'll never let anyone hurt me again. I don't need you.
For me it is about finding balance. Learning to nurture myself, take care of my old wounds and reaching out when I need help and don't manage to hold that space for myself.
I wonder, Are you aware of these patterns?
How do you handle them in daily life?
I heard River reading this letter out loud one time and it really touched me. As this is what I recognize from past experiences when my anxious attachment met an avoidant attachment and also the other way around.
Thank you River!
From the article:
"Open Letter from the Avoidant to the Anxiously Attached:
I see your panic.
I hear it in your breathing, your sighs, your many signs and gestures—the ones meant to elicit attention from me.
I resent you in this mood because it means I lose a partner and gain a child. I become the parent. I become your “fix.” In your panic, my existence is no longer mine. I’m no longer free, whole, separate from you. With nobody in you to meet me, I am trapped and alone.
Your dependence becomes a weight for me to carry. It’s like a child in you with nowhere to go. Sometimes it feels like an insatiable bully, entitled, demanding I care for it. But it has no sense of time, and I could meet it for hours, resenting you each minute. And nothing changes.
I want to be loved, not needed.
Part of me also yearns to be taken care of."
You can find the whole article here: