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Marielle Spronck

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De Bilt, The Netherlands

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My partner is not really there for me...

June 30, 2018

Do you know your attachment style?

I often hear people saying things like: I just need to be free, I don't want my partner to limit me in any way or my partner is not really there for me when I need it, I want to be taken care of.

 

I recognize these last ones when my anxious attachment style comes to the surface. When I fall into stress and panic, my old pattern just wants someone to take care of me, not needing to do everything by myself.

And I could choose to give beautiful, spiritual words to it to make them sound reasonable of course.

But I realize it is just the wound in me that wants to be nurtured as I have never been nurtured as a child when I needed it.

This anxious style I find very painful to experience.

 

The avoidant style I know as well.

That one is much easier to bypass and still look spiritual and good though.

As wanting Freedom sounds much more spiritual than Needing something or someone. I don't want to be limited in my expression sounds pretty fair in most ears, right?

It looks more adult on the first glance, but if I really feel into the layer underneath, I can feel the pain there as well: I'll never let anyone hurt me again. I don't need you.

 

For me it is about finding balance. Learning to nurture myself, take care of my old wounds and reaching out when I need help and don't manage to hold that space for myself.

 

I wonder, Are you aware of these patterns?

How do you handle them in daily life?

 

I heard River reading this letter out loud one time and it really touched me. As this is what I recognize from past experiences when my anxious attachment met an avoidant attachment and also the other way around.

Thank you River!

 

From the article:

 

"Open Letter from the Avoidant to the Anxiously Attached:

 

I see your panic.

I hear it in your breathing, your sighs, your many signs and gestures—the ones meant to elicit attention from me.

I resent you in this mood because it means I lose a partner and gain a child. I become the parent. I become your “fix.” In your panic, my existence is no longer mine. I’m no longer free, whole, separate from you. With nobody in you to meet me, I am trapped and alone.

 

Your dependence becomes a weight for me to carry. It’s like a child in you with nowhere to go. Sometimes it feels like an insatiable bully, entitled, demanding I care for it. But it has no sense of time, and I could meet it for hours, resenting you each minute. And nothing changes.

 

I want to be loved, not needed.

 

Part of me also yearns to be taken care of."

You can find the whole article here:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/own-inner-child-breaking-free-of-anxious-attachment-0613164


 

 

 

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